Cat crap must be salty. My dog, Damn Gem, loves cat crap. The vet says it’s sort of like an hors d’oeuvre for her, which of course makes me think she should be put down. But we love her, and she’s doesn’t mind at all when the Tyrant tries to put hair bands on her paws. She’s family, in a canine sort of way.
So the other afternoon, DamnGem found herself a nice pile of cat crap and made it disappear. That night, she drank about a gallon of water, and so she was up at 4 a.m. whining to be let out to pee.
I pretended not to hear her until Hot Firefighter Husband finally stumbled out of bed and let her out. But focusing so hard on pretending to be asleep made me a little wide awake, which worked out because I remembered that I had not put any Tooth Fairy money under the Diva’s pillow. (Yes, she pulled out another tooth. She looks like she needs dentures.)
I combed the house looking for money. I only had a twenty, and that seemed extravagant even by my lazy what-else-could-I-do? standards. Husband had the customary zero-balance in his wallet.
I resorted to quarters, and piled up $2 in coins. But the coins wouldn’t fit in her Tooth Fairy box; I had to write a note directing her to look on her dresser, then a note explaining that the Tooth Fairy had run out of dollar bills.
I finally returned to bed around 4:45 a.m., and fell asleep thinking I should have just given her the twenty.
The next morning I made two lunches, got the kids dressed, forced them to stare at the breakfast they wouldn’t eat, and Hot Firefighter Husband took them to school. The Tyrant’s car seat had been left out in the rain and smelled like feet, so she had to sit in the Pterodactyl’s seat, which he didn’t like, but we maneuvered through the situation with some Gummi Worms.
I went to the gym and worked out with my trainer, Son of Sam. Then I went to the UPS store and faxed something for Husband, went to the grocery and bought chicken, green beans and sweet potatoes for dinner as requested by Husband, and went home.
I had lunch and marinated the chicken in balsamic vinaigrette salad dressing, which was 2 for 1 at the grocery. Husband left to pick up Pterodactyl and take him to karate, which reminded me that I had promised the Pterodactyl we’d have spaghetti for dinner. I made Husband a grocery list of ingredients for spaghetti dinner.
I cleaned the kitchen and tried to do some writing. The Tyrant stood behind me giving herself great big belly laughs by spitting chewed-up animal crackers on DamnGem’s head
Husband came home and I went to a chiropractor appointment. My neck has been bothering me, possibly due to my new cheap pillow. The Pterodactyl asked where I was going, and Hot Firefighter Husband said, “Mommy’s going to a pretend doctor,” which I did not appreciate, but I’ve never been to a chiropractor before so he might be right.
I was sitting comfortably at the chiropractor’s office eating the complimentary peanut M&Ms when Husband called and said the battery on the Motorized Landfill was dead so he could not pick up the Diva and her friends from their after-school yoga class. So I left the chiropractor’s office and picked up the girls in the GodDamn Yellow Jeep. They thought it was very cool to crawl in through the windows in front of their classmates.
I brought everyone home and went back to the chiropractor’s office where I laid down on on a table and a woman rubbed gel on my neck with an ultrasound wand. I fell asleep and drooled on the table.
When I left I noticed a text message from Husband to meet him at The Par. I thought it might be some new restaurant in town and he was surprising me with a last-minute date night. I was about to call him to ask how to get to The Par then realized he meant the park. So I went to the park and met him and the kids and played for a while.
By the time we arrived home it was too late to cook either of the two dinners we had planned, so the kids ate canned soup, Husband ate a peanut butter sandwich with Low Sugar Apricot Spread because we were out of strawberry jam, and I cleaned the kitchen and met some friends for a glass of wine.
Am I Wonderwoman or what? Not exactly. Certainly Wonderwoman would be more proactive about the giant roach she saw in the back of her van.
But everybody wants to feel a little invincible sometimes.
Which brings me to today’s Workout Wednesday.
We don’t work out for other people, I know that. We do it for ourselves. Nevertheless, it’s a great confidence booster when other people are impressed by what we can do. Here’s a workout that will leave fellow gym rats speechless, or at the very least, swearing they’ll never gossip about you again.
You’ll need: a treadmill, a medicine ball (somewhere from 3-5 lbs.- I used 5), the Hyperextension Thing (that bench machine on which you lay at an incline with your feet hooked at the bottom and your pelvis resting against a cushion at the top) , and either a low bench or a bench step. Or you can use the edge of the treadmill.
Okay, warm up first – hop on the elliptical, turn the resistance waaaaaaayyy up, and use the tension to really stretch out your arms and legs. Go for seven minutes. Listen to Kanye West’s Stronger (…that which don’t kill me/can only make me stronger). Stare straight ahead. Wear a bandana around your head to show people how serious you are.
The Workout
1 — Treadmill. Run a quarter of a mile as fast as you can go without fear of getting tripped up and falling off the conveyor belt. For a quarter mile, you’re probably looking at about 2-2 1/2 minutes.
2 — Squats. Pick up the medicine ball and hold it by your chest. Feet should be shoulder -width apart, maybe a tiny bit wider. Holding the ball, do a deep-knee squat, staying upright, shoulders square and back. On your way up, thrust the ball as hard as you can up in the air straight above you. Keep looking up so it doesn’t land on your head and ruin the moment. As you catch the ball, go back into your squat. Do this over and over again for a minute.
3 — Hyperextensions. The Hyperextension Thing is an incline bench on which you can hook your feet down low and lean down over the top so that your body resembles an upside down V. Get into position holding the weight with both hands. Go down into the V, and as you’re coming up, draw a capital A in the air with the weight. Go down again. Pull up and draw a B. You know where this is going. Do letters A-L
4 — Push-ups. Just 12 measly push-ups. No big deal. Oh, but keep your feet up on the low bench or bench step or treadmill edge, whichever you chose.
5 — Repeat 1-4 except draw the letters M-Z.
6 — Repeat 5 except write WONDERWOMAN. Or SUPERMAN, if it’s more appropriate.
7 — Lean up against the wall, one foot up propped up behind you, hand on hip, drinking water, and enjoy this badass moment. That was totally sick.
