This morning at 6:54, the Tyrant marched into our bedroom and said, “Dad, take me potty.” So Husband took her potty. Then she crawled into bed with us and made me scratch her back. After the back-scratching I got her a sippy cup with milk, took out the dog, made the coffee, took the Tyrant Read More
1 The person who invented gas-powered leafblowers should have a leafblower surgically implanted in his brain. And yes, I believe it was a man. 2 Sobriety is overrated. 3 An uncircumcised penis can provide a young boy with many happy minutes of entertainment in the bathtub. 4 A child who wears the same tutu and Read More
Professional football players make too much money. If it was up to me, they’d make a normal salary of say, 40 or 50 grand with perhaps some extra health benefits to offset the fact that they get the crap beat out of them every week. Except for the Saints. Every member the New Orleans Saints Read More
I consider myself a mannerly person, and reasonably pleasant. I say please and thank you, as in “Please, son, the fish does not need you to pet him,” and “Thank you, darling, but I don’t care for that particular piece of gum right now, so put it back in the cupholder.” I try to avoid Read More
Hot Firefighter Husband sent me off to boxing class today with this instruction: Don’t come back until you’re in a better frame of mind. So I packed a bag. I called him after class to make sure he had not sold the children, and he told me again to take as long as I needed, Read More
My dog who sports a shit-eating grin because she actually eats shit now gets an anti-coprophagy pill every day designed to make her shit taste bad. Because apparently it doesn’t already taste bad enough. Also, I monitor her like a Secret Service agent when she’s out in the yard. If she sniffs something for longer Read More
Obviously all of you except for my dedicated cousin and her precocious daughter were either too lazy or too intimidated to take my quiz, but I’m not offended because I’m far too panicked about the fact that my dog has started to eat her own poop. It is apparently a condition called coprophagy, but it Read More
In order to assure a continuous high quality readership, I have decided to issue occasional pop quizzes to make sure that blogs have been properly absorbed. To encourage you to take the quiz, I’ve decided that the first reader to correctly answer all questions will receive an autographed picture of an erupting volcano drawn by Read More
Soon after the unsuccessful infertility treatment that I now understand caused me great bodily harm and made me get fat, Hot Firefighter Husband and I shared a cathartic moment. We decided that if our greatest burden in life was the inability to reproduce, then we were damn lucky people. We had a great marriage, big Read More
It has come to my attention that some of you people think I make stuff up. I understand that not everyone’s son uses his father’s stethoscope to listen to the dishwasher running and not all 3-year-olds slap their mothers in the face for forcefeeding them Children’s Tylenol, which I did because she has an ear Read More
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