Obviously all of you except for my dedicated cousin and her precocious daughter were either too lazy or too intimidated to take my quiz, but I’m not offended because I’m far too panicked about the fact that my dog has started to eat her own poop. It is apparently a condition called coprophagy, but it might as well be called caninephobia because I am now deathly afraid of being with 10 feet of her mouth. More on that later, possibly, if I can write about it without throwing up.
But to appease the pleadings of the single solitary person who expressed interest in the answers to the quiz, I will provide them.
1 b & d At dinner last week, the Pterodactyl announced that the “real life” word for pee-pee is “weener.” The Diva disagreed, claiming that the “real life” word for pee-pee is “pesophogus.” I felt obligated to be the adult and introduced them to the word “penis.” They think the word “penis” is hilarious. It’s now what the Pterodactyl calls the babyitter.
2 d The Diva loves my homemade chicken noodle soup even more than she loves her favorite kind of sandwich, which is peanut butter and marshmallows on rice cakes. But she also occasionally says, “yes, ma’am” to me, and has asked me about when I first got a cell phone.
3 d The Tyrant’s adoration of Lady Gaga began with “Poker Face,” but she now knows all the words to “Paparazzi,” including the lyrics, “I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me,” which makes the Tyrant sound even more tyrannical than usual.
4 b, c & d in that order. The Pterodactyl would definitely be happy if he could live in my boob, away from the Tyrant but with a lifetime supply of raw cookie dough.
5 a The Diva has suddenly become very concerned about finding the right man to marry. Husband is still hoping she is gay but that doesn’t seem to be taking.
6 c Hot Firefighter Husband made a house call with the ladder truck after the Diva dropped a bowl of popcorn during our Stay-cation and got a bunch of glass in her foot. He did remove the glass from her foot, but the real reason he came was to show me how to use the vacuum.
7 c I have stolen a New York Times from Starbucks. And a vanilla milk. Well, my kid stole that. Maybe I’ve taken more than one New York Times. I feel regret about it.
8 d The Tyrant says Damage! because she thinks she’s saying dammit. I’m not sure where she learned it. She uses it in context, as in, “Oh, damage! My brudda hit me!” She says, “I could die” in admiration, like “Mom! Dat flowa so a-dough-able I could die!” and she just says “Holy Cow!” when she can’t think of anything else to say.
9 b The Diva cleans up her own nosebleeds at this point, but she does leave bloody toilet paper everywhere. The dog eats it.
10 a b & c Many of you know that I worked as a swamp tour guide in Louisiana and as a deckhand while sailing down the Seine in France, but not many of you know that due to a slight language barrier I was hired as an escort (read: prostitute) in France. I thought it was a waitress job. Fortunately I realized my mistake before consummating the position, though in hindsight the red circular stairwell and the fact that the bar was called the Cobra should have alerted me sooner.
11 I would have taken anything for an answer to this one because neither of us can determine how we feel about more children, although we both agree that despite occasionally wanting more kids, the actuality of it would lead directly to me, the mother, being Baker Act-ed.
12 c Damn Gem the dog has been addicted to paper for quite some time. But in light of the new fecal habit (I cannot tell you how it pains me to write that), her having once eaten a checkbook and an entire stack of college essays seems positively quaint. Can I have her put down for this?
