Even though my congestive heart failure turned out to be nothing more than inexplicable arrhythmias that I can’t get anybody to care about, I’m still sensing my mortality. Things feel unfinished here. If I stopped breathing suddenly, would my children remember my smile, and not just the shrill ting of my screaming voice? I’m angst-ridden, Read More
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful red-headed suburban housewife. She was really, really beautiful. Like, it was hard to look at her because she was so beautiful. She was also very lucky because she had three adorable children and a firefighter husband who looked totally hot in his work suspenders and also knew Read More
Last night, as I poured myself a big glass of chardonnay, Hot Firefighter Husband asked, “How are your chest pains?” I’m pretty sure he was trying to make a point. “Well, abstinence has done nothing for them. So I’m trying something new,” I said. I had been having chest pains for four days. Clearly I Read More
Trying to achieve world peace while Rush Limbaugh remains breathing cannot be as frustrating as watching my 5-year-old son blow his nose. I can’t get him to understand that when he plugs up both his nostrils with paper towel before he blows, the snot will be forced up into his brain. Plus it makes him Read More
Hot Firefighter Husband waited in the Motorized Landfill the other day while I walked the Pterodactyl into preschool. When I got back into the van, I noticed an odor. “Something smells,” I said. “It always smells in here,” said Husband. “It smells like poop.” “Really?” “Yes. Wait.” I sniffed again. “Breathe on me.” Husband breathed. Read More
Sometimes when I’m doing nothing at all – when I’m listening to the rain rattle the palm trees, or watching an osprey swoop by with a fish – I try to imagine what it’s like to be Connie May Fowler. Connie is a Florida novelist who I have known for 15 years. She was born Read More
Women my age who grew up Catholic and went to Catholic schools were inundated with stories of The Calling. The Calling, we were told, is how God summons young women to become nuns. For much of my adolescence, I was convinced that God was summoning me, but that I was pretending not to hear Him Read More
WARNING! Adoption-related rant ahead. It’s unfortunate that we must maintain a separate genre of manners entitled Adoption Etiquette, but we must. Frankly we additionally should have Big Belly Etiquette, Wheelchair Etiquette, Birthmark Etiquette, and Yes-that’s-my-real-hair-color Etiquette, because people have lost all self-control when it comes to curbing their insatiable appetites for details of other people’s Read More
It’s Easter Sunday. Many of you have gathered with family to celebrate the fact that you can finally consume meat/alcohol/chocolate again, and are feasting on glazed baked ham and casseroles and other Southern stuff. I am not. I am, in fact, still in my pajamas, and have spent much of the day pacing around the Read More
The first of April was the first real beach day of the year. I packed a delicious homemade picnic lunch and gathered up all the sand toys, and headed to the shore with the children. The kids were thrilled – they jumped waves and hugged me and played for hours. BWAAHAHAHA!!!! Whew, that was a Read More
Recent Comments