The Pterodactyl announced yesterday that he sweats on the bus ride home from school. And when he sweats, he smells his armpits, and they smell like bacon. He seemed pleasantly surprised. “What are you feeding him?” asked a Generous Reader. Well. I feed him whatever he’ll eat, which at the moment happens to be hot Read More
It starts this time with an illusion of grandeur. As I drive along, I imagine that as I pull into a parking lot, I notice a suspicious man exit a car. Then I imagine I see a little boy in the car who looks exactly like Kyron, the kid who has been missing from Oregon Read More
I would make an excellent Professional Bitch. Really. My sense of righteous indignation is, like, right up there with Kate Gosselin’s. The majority of the time, my shrewd nature is completely justified. (See? See how righteous I am?) But there are times when I project blame onto innocent associates, such as Hot Firefighter Husband, and Read More
The Dr. Phil show has been chronicling the travesty that is a Ponte Vedra family for the past seven years. Angry mom, sullen dad, two bitter daughters who do drugs – you know, the family next door. Today, Dr. Phil featured a family update. The youngest daughter, now 22, has just given birth to her Read More
Hot Firefighter Husband turned 49 this week, which means he is now the same age as Billy Ray Cyrus, George Clooney and President Barack Obama. Since Billy Ray Cyrus has had a career resurgence thanks to his daughter, George Clooney is at the pinnacle of his overall hotness, and President Obama is, duh, the president, Read More
The Pterodactyl appeared Friday on the cover of our community newspaper, whose editor apparently has committed to following the boy and his kindergarten classmates – the Class of 2023! – through their high school graduation. I’m already worried about the high school updates: Susie is a National Merit Scholar! Bobby is captain of the football Read More
“What are you going to write about today?” asked Hot Firefighter Husband. “I don’t know,” I said. Then the Diva bullied me into taking her to a friend’s house and I took a sharp turn out of the friend’s driveway and rolled over the boulders the friend’s parents had carefully placed at the edge of Read More
Writing well, said Dorothy Parker, is the best revenge. And I write well. And I’m slightly vengeful. So when I’m angry, I’m particularly tempted to unleash on a person. I would like to tell that person I’m sad that she apparently wasn’t raised right, but she’s a grown-up now, and responsible for her own actions, Read More
We ate homemade chicken noodle soup the other night for dinner. It was delicious. The Tyrant really enjoyed it. She slurped up bites while telling us about the hippopotamus and his terrible diarrhea. Fortunately she didn’t spend a lot of time with the hippopotamus that day because she was busy with her friend Malibu who Read More
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