The road to hell is not paved with good intentions. It is paved with the broken bones of people who DO NOT HELP THEIR MOTHER/WIFE PACK THEIR BELONGINGS FOR A 6-DAY CARIBBEAN CRUISE, even if that mother/wife has strep throat. Once we were finally en route to Ft. Lauderdale, I, the mother/wife, finally felt slightly Read More
Go ahead and verbally eviscerate me but there are some things about being a mother that I don’t enjoy. Chief among them is the utter lack of privacy surrounding daily chores that are certainly meant to be private. I am morally opposed to discussing the specifics of certain digestive issues, but let’s just say that Read More
‘Twas six nights before Christmas, and all through the house, not a thing was stirring except the Pterodactyl’s Jimmy Dean Sausage Shine On! alarm clock, which had been surreptitiously set for 2:45 am and rang like a damn cow bell at exactly that time. It didn’t wake up anyone except me, but it woke me Read More
1. Some people don’t think it’s funny that a 4-year-old would stuff a balloon under her nightgown to pretend she had a baby in her belly. But people who are always bitching about the lack of Christ in Christmas should encourage this type of Virgin Mary emulation, even if said emulation includes inappropriate booty-dancing to Read More
One warm day 58 years ago, on a quiet street in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, a group of neighborhood kids stood around shootin’ the shit. From down the road came a Big Kid named Chick carrying a Red Ryder BB gun. The kids got quiet as Chick neared them; he was kind of a bully. Chick Read More
How much do you love your children? Do you love them enough to cut off your limbs? To give them a kidney? To dash into a burning building to save them? Yes? Yeah, me too. I call that the easy stuff. Do you love them enough to not freak when they pull each other around Read More
On school mornings, I wake up my Pterodactyl boy by curling up beside him and smothering his cheeks and ears with kisses. I reach my arms around him and treasure the feel of his bird-wing shoulder blades, and let him exhale his baby sweet morning breath in my nose. With eyes closed, he hugs my Read More
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