Ever since Hot Firefighter Husband fired the lawn guy, our property looks inhabited by hippies, who are not entirely welcome in our community. You should see the way people look at my Birkenstocks! I’m all in favor of wild yards abounding with honeysuckle bushes and wisteria vines. But let’s face it: there’s a reason that Read More
When I finished college, I wanted adventure. “I’m going to travel in Europe for awhile,” I told my parents. “You know, just land in Paris, and go from there.” “No,” said my dad, also known as my financial backer. I did a little research, and approached them again a few days later. “I’m going to Read More
Having children is simultaneously humbling, inspiring and soul-crushing. The same child who tells you one morning that her heart hurts from loving you so much might ask you the very next day why your butt is so big. And you have no answers! Unless you’re perfectly honest and tell her that your butt is big Read More
My 9-year-old Diva is a straight-A student, unless you count the Bs and Cs in math and science, which I don’t, because why would I count them if they’re not As? And you should see her room. It’s immaculate, except for the food wrappers on the floor and the pencils stashed under the bed. Luckily Read More
The other day Oprah interviewed Nadya Suleman, the Octomom, about being an unemployed, broke single mother of 16 children, and about the fact that her lips can’t possibly be natural. The show included a financial intervention of sorts with money guru Suze Orman, who has teeth that shine like beacons in the darkness. Orman apparently Read More
My 4-year-old has tremendous self-esteem. It’s possible, in fact, that she’s already vain. She stares at herself in the mirror endlessly, and is so self-righteous about her many fabricated assertions that many people actually believe she was born next to a volcano. Yesterday she crawled into our bed while we were drinking coffee and said, Read More
The other day I was driving along in the Motorized Landfill when I heard the Tyrant and the Pterodactyl begin to giggle. It progressed into squeals of laughter – the kind of gut-busting laughter that makes people snort and choke. It was so flipping adorable, and pretty soon I was laughing, too. Man, I love Read More
Hot Firefighter Husband is shorter than me, and now that we’ve been married almost 17 years, I’m woman enough to admit it. I think that’s why I have bad posture. You know, from all that slouching. It’s a three-inch differential. It used to bother me. But not anymore. He’s short, I’m tall. He’s short, I’m Read More
Day 1: Our ship, Royal Caribbean’s Navigator of the Seas, sets sail. We are drinking champagne. Hot Firefighter Husband says, “I actually think I’ll be able to eat healthy. I mean, there really are a lot of healthy options at the buffet.” We keep a close eye on the children so they are not accidentally Read More
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