This morning, the boy had an itch, so I gave him a dab of antibiotic cream for the bite on his leg. When I returned to the kitchen a while later, the formica counter top had become a canvas for a series of decorative squiggly white worms. And that was the end of the antibiotic Read More
Dear Casey Anthony, You and me are done with each other. As you may recall, I blame you for having to introduce my daughter to the concept of a mother killing her own child. Since the jury failed to convict you, my daughter thinks you’re not guilty, so now I have to introduce her to Read More
The Tyrant was talking to her imaginary boyfriend on her imaginary phone the other day, and I spoke up. “Is that your boyfriend?” I asked. “You tell him that your mother said–” “MOM! STOP IT!” she shouted. Then she walked away, and I heard her say, “That’s just my mom. She’s so annoying.” And I Read More
I am so tired of picking up dog poop. In other news, I’ve discovered why all the red crayons are missing. Why Damn Gem has expanded her diet is a mystery, but I suspect she’s Simply Bored, just like the kids, who now don’t even want to go to the beach. I suspect they just Read More
The Diva has returned from her exciting solo adventure to visit my parents. She cried her first night home because she missed them so much. I called my mom to tell her that. “Well,” she said. “We spoiled her a bit. She liked her breakfast served on a tray in the living room.” Really, Mom? Read More
A girlfriend moved into my neighborhood earlier this month, but I hadn’t found time to visit her until yesterday evening. I rang her doorbell at dinnertime, and she answered with purple rubber gloves on her hands. “Hi!” I said brightly. “I’m so sorry to visit you for the first time like this, but I can’t Read More
There’s something a little intoxicating about the idea of purchasing a spouse. Hear me out. NOTE TO THE DUBIOUS: I’m not referring to situations in which women (or men) are extracted from poverty and despair to serve as sex slaves and household help. Imagine a store in which potential spouses line the aisle along with Read More
Today I sent the Diva to Chicago on a plane BY HERSELF. A woman at the gym told me she would NEVER feel comfortable with that, and I was like, well, of course not, because you obviously love your kids more than me. Right? RIGHT? GAWD, did anybody even READ yesterday’s piece about my daughter’s Read More
Someone told the Diva she had bushy eyebrows. Now, of course that made me all, nuh-UH! No you DI-ENT! You did not just tell the most beautiful 9-year-old the goddesses ever envisioned that her EYEBROWS are BUSHY! So you know what I did to that miscreant? Nothing. Because he’s only 10. But I totally wanted Read More
The Pterodactyl lost his second front tooth today. You may recall that he lost the first one two weeks ago while we were waiting to exit an airplane, and he wiped all the spurting blood on the airplane seats as he walked up the aisle. He babied this most recent tooth so long that there Read More
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