1 The person who invented gas-powered leafblowers should have a leafblower surgically implanted in his brain. And yes, I believe it was a man.

2 Sobriety is overrated.

3 An uncircumcised penis can provide a young boy with many happy minutes of entertainment in the bathtub.

4 A child who wears the same tutu and same pair of shoes without socks for eight days straight will smell like a horse regardless of how many baths she takes.

5 Old women do not like it when young children say, “HI, GRANDMA!” to them in the grocery store.

6 Sobriety is underrated.

7 Peanut butter is the best food in the entire world, and that girl I met on spring break in 1984 who woke up in bed with a guy and an empty jar of it may have been onto something.

8 No one should ever wear white spandex bike shorts to the gym.

9 Sippy cups full of milk that have been left in a car for more than a week could be used as an inexpensive yet effective chemical weapon.

10 Husbands do not like it when you correspond with old boyfriends, especially when you go to the trouble of deleting the correspondence so the husband won’t have the exact reaction he has when he discovers the deletions.

That’s all I know today.