Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part VIII Somehow the art therapist is opening up the Pterodactyl like a flower. Or maybe like a shaken can of soda. His feelings have been stuck, gummed up in his brain, I guess, and we’ve only had basic knowledge of what’s propelling his Read More
I love my son sooooo much when he’s asleep. Ditto for the minute he steps onto the school bus. The rest of the time, I think about military schools. This new journey we’re on – gluten-free eating and boatloads of supplements – have helped a great deal. Physically, the boy is taller and leaner, with Read More
Something has shifted. We are in Destin, Florida for a beach vacation, but it’s 54 degrees and the beach is only tolerable after a few doses of rum. Reminder: the kids are too young to drink. We’ve spent a decent amount of time shopping, visiting the go-cart track, and grocery shopping. Lots of grocery shopping. Read More
Last week we had our first follow-up appointment with the doctor who’s Changed Everything. To recap, we went to see her in lieu of setting up a juvenile defense fund for our 8-year-old son, or perhaps building him an in-law apartment. This doctor thinks the Pterodactyl has an intolerance to gluten, a protein found in Read More
Yesterday morning as I packed lunches, I heard a giant KERFLOFF sound. I investigated. Buddy the Wonder Dog had thrown up three entire socks, each twisted up neatly in heavy braids of bile and slobber. None of the socks matched, so now I’m three pairs down. #fuckingdogsarecolorblind Afterwards, he looked at me with his ears Read More
St. Valentine’s Day originated as a pagan celebration of the Roman god Lupercus. At the annual Lupercalia festival, a young man drew the name of a young woman who then became his sexual companion for the year. How cool would it be if it was a voluntary lottery! Like, if the young man was all Read More
We are now a gluten-free, dairy-free household. I’m going to the dark side. I already like Birkenstocks. Honest to Jesus, yesterday I was perusing real estate thinking we should buy a lot and build a tiny eco-house so we can raise our own chickens. I only mention Jesus because today is the first day of Read More
Buddy the Wonder Dog wants something in his mouth at all times. Bones and dog toys are merely satisfactory; shoes, stuffed animals and anything inappropriate is far preferable. This morning, his poop looked like a kaleidoscope. ”Good grief, it looks like Buddy ate a box of crayons,” I muttered. “HE DID!” exclaimed the boy. “HE ATE Read More
Now that the Diva is 11, she throws psychological grenades at me constantly. What religion am I? Should I have a boyfriend? Can I shave? What’s for dinner? Seriously? How am I supposed to know all that? And it’s not like I can just turn up the music. Sometimes we’re not even in the car. Read More
Here’s the key to the puzzle that is my son. LEGOS. Do you know about Legos? I did not. I thought Legos were a bunch of colored blocks you connected into abstract towers, then took apart, and perhaps spread next to your parents’ bed in vain attempts to kill them. These Legos, the ones my Read More
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