Hello Kitty the fish is dead. LONG LIVE HELLO KITTY. Because I did the old switcheroo yesterday while the Tyrant was at school. Listen, I know it’s important for kids to learn about death and everything. But if your kid’s beta fish suffocates to death in a soup of its own feces so toxic that Read More
Buddy the Plunder Wonder Dog is so smart he knows how to open toy chests. That’s not bragging – it’s just an annoying fact. Bright side: our stuffed animal population is finally dwindling, and all of our throw blankets have fringe. WINNING! But not really. Buddy is not working out the way I planned. #fuckyouifyousayitoldyouso Read More
Yesterday morning as I packed lunches, I heard a giant KERFLOFF sound. I investigated. Buddy the Wonder Dog had thrown up three entire socks, each twisted up neatly in heavy braids of bile and slobber. None of the socks matched, so now I’m three pairs down. #fuckingdogsarecolorblind Afterwards, he looked at me with his ears Read More
Buddy the Wonder Dog is so smart that we taught him to ring a bell near the door when he wants to go out. GENIUS! But now it’s the holiday season, and every time Buddy hears a Christmas bell, he pees. For real. You can stop laughing now. Seriously. Stop laughing. So the housetraining has Read More
It came to this: a Dec. 6 letter from the Homeowners Association informing us that we were in violation of HOA regulations because our Halloween decorations were still up. HO, HO, HO! So I replaced the scarecrow’s pumpkin head with a Santa hat. SUCKERS. But it did start me on a guilt trip regarding holiday Read More
Day Four without a shower. I almost took one last night but I couldn’t find a clean towel. And I’m not picky, people – I mean I couldn’t find a towel that didn’t smell like mildew, pee, or peanut butter. I like peanut butter, but I’m not one to spread it all over my body. Read More
Buddy the Wonder Dog poops out half his body weight every day. He does this weird raccoon walk when he’s pooping, so it comes out in stages and forms a three-dimensional S pattern in the grass. “Does he at least poop in your yard?” asked a friend. “So you don’t have to pick it up?” Read More
I’m not sure why all sitcoms aren’t set in Wisconsin. Its level of exotic hilarity must rival that of Alabama, except that it’s inhabited by a species that is generally quite pale and very, very nice in a robotic, creepy way. At the Bates Motel** in Wautoma, Wisconsin, population 2,200, I seemed to be the Read More
NOTE: If you’ve never read the children’s book If You Give A Mouse a Cookie by Laura Numeroff, the format of this blog post will make no sense to you. Read it anyway, yutz. If you send a boy to school, he’s going to learn about owls. If he learns about owls, he’ll want a Read More
I cleaned out the Tyrant’s room last week. I found an ancient bag of Cheetos, all of the missing Tupperware, 14 naked Barbies, and countless Barbie body parts. Apparently, when the girl plays alone in her room, she turns into Dr. Evil and performs amputations with abandon. A Gym Acquaintance recently told me about a Read More
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