Hello Kitty the fish is dead. LONG LIVE HELLO KITTY. Because I did the old switcheroo yesterday while the Tyrant was at school. Listen, I know it’s important for kids to learn about death and everything. But if your kid’s Betta fish suffocates to death in a soup of its own feces so toxic that Read More
Ever since I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of living with the Pterodactyl, we’ve tried to limit the amount of time I have to deal with him alone. So when Hot Firefighter Husband’s work schedule gets all whack, I call in the A-team Sitter to assist in self-preservation. The A-team Sitter Read More
“I’m fat,” I told Hot Firefighter Husband. “I feel fat. And out of shape.” “You’re not fat,” he droned. “You’re in great shape.” He doesn’t say those phrases so much as he emits them like Pavlovian responses. That’s how often we’ve had the exact same discussion. “But also?” I continued. “I feel guilty for worrying Read More
I took the iPad away from the Tyrant because she had Googled “kissing.” Note: she has now seen lots of tongues up close. Yesterday, she asked to have it back, but I was still traumatized and declined her request. She used her sternest voice ever and said, “Make the right choice, Mom, so I don’t Read More
I love my son sooooo much when he’s asleep. Ditto for the minute he steps onto the school bus. The rest of the time, I think about military schools. This new journey we’re on – gluten-free eating and boatloads of supplements – have helped a great deal. Physically, the boy is taller and leaner, with Read More
Yesterday morning as I packed lunches, I heard a giant KERFLOFF sound. I investigated. Buddy the Wonder Dog had thrown up three entire socks, each twisted up neatly in heavy braids of bile and slobber. None of the socks matched, so now I’m three pairs down. #fuckingdogsarecolorblind Afterwards, he looked at me with his ears Read More
St. Valentine’s Day originated as a pagan celebration of the Roman god Lupercus. At the annual Lupercalia festival, a young man drew the name of a young woman who then became his sexual companion for the year. How cool would it be if it was a voluntary lottery! Like, if the young man was all Read More
We are now a gluten-free, dairy-free household. I’m going to the dark side. I already like Birkenstocks. Honest to Jesus, yesterday I was perusing real estate thinking we should buy a lot and build a tiny eco-house so we can raise our own chickens. I only mention Jesus because today is the first day of Read More
Buddy the Wonder Dog wants something in his mouth at all times. Bones and dog toys are merely satisfactory; shoes, stuffed animals and anything inappropriate is far preferable. This morning, his poop looked like a kaleidoscope. ”Good grief, it looks like Buddy ate a box of crayons,” I muttered. “HE DID!” exclaimed the boy. “HE ATE Read More
Here’s the key to the puzzle that is my son. LEGOS. Do you know about Legos? I did not. I thought Legos were a bunch of colored blocks you connected into abstract towers, then took apart, and perhaps spread next to your parents’ bed in vain attempts to kill them. These Legos, the ones my Read More
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