Hello Kitty the fish is dead. LONG LIVE HELLO KITTY. Because I did the old switcheroo yesterday while the Tyrant was at school. Listen, I know it’s important for kids to learn about death and everything. But if your kid’s Betta fish suffocates to death in a soup of its own feces so toxic that Read More
Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part VIII Somehow the art therapist is opening up the Pterodactyl like a flower. Or maybe like a shaken can of soda. His feelings have been stuck, gummed up in his brain, I guess, and we’ve only had basic knowledge of what’s propelling his Read More
Ever since I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of living with the Pterodactyl, we’ve tried to limit the amount of time I have to deal with him alone. So when Hot Firefighter Husband’s work schedule gets all whack, I call in the A-team Sitter to assist in self-preservation. The A-team Sitter Read More
“I’m fat,” I told Hot Firefighter Husband. “I feel fat. And out of shape.” “You’re not fat,” he droned. “You’re in great shape.” He doesn’t say those phrases so much as he emits them like Pavlovian responses. That’s how often we’ve had the exact same discussion. “But also?” I continued. “I feel guilty for worrying Read More
I love my son sooooo much when he’s asleep. Ditto for the minute he steps onto the school bus. The rest of the time, I think about military schools. This new journey we’re on – gluten-free eating and boatloads of supplements – have helped a great deal. Physically, the boy is taller and leaner, with Read More
Something has shifted. We are in Destin, Florida for a beach vacation, but it’s 54 degrees and the beach is only tolerable after a few doses of rum. Reminder: the kids are too young to drink. We’ve spent a decent amount of time shopping, visiting the go-cart track, and grocery shopping. Lots of grocery shopping. Read More
Last week we had our first follow-up appointment with the doctor who’s Changed Everything. To recap, we went to see her in lieu of setting up a juvenile defense fund for our 8-year-old son, or perhaps building him an in-law apartment. This doctor thinks the Pterodactyl has an intolerance to gluten, a protein found in Read More
Buddy the Plunder Wonder Dog is so smart he knows how to open toy chests. That’s not bragging – it’s just an annoying fact. Bright side: our stuffed animal population is finally dwindling, and all of our throw blankets have fringe. WINNING! But not really. Buddy is not working out the way I planned. #fuckyouifyousayitoldyouso Read More
Yesterday morning as I packed lunches, I heard a giant KERFLOFF sound. I investigated. Buddy the Wonder Dog had thrown up three entire socks, each twisted up neatly in heavy braids of bile and slobber. None of the socks matched, so now I’m three pairs down. #fuckingdogsarecolorblind Afterwards, he looked at me with his ears Read More
We are now a gluten-free, dairy-free household. I’m going to the dark side. I already like Birkenstocks. Honest to Jesus, yesterday I was perusing real estate thinking we should buy a lot and build a tiny eco-house so we can raise our own chickens. I only mention Jesus because today is the first day of Read More
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