The great journalist Susan Orlean once wrote a piece called The American Man, Age 10. It’s a profile of a little boy named Colin, and in it, Colin’s father describes his son like this: It’s like living with a native of Mars who happens to know some English. When I first read that line over Read More
The other day, the Pterodactyl became very, very angry at me for not letting him pull every hair out of his sister’s head, so he took a handful of my stainless silverware teaspoons and tossed them into a hole in his wall. I know. You’re wondering how he got a hole in his wall. Well, Read More
I have this friend Em. I like Em a lot because she always runs late and she yells at gently chides her kids. I thought we were, you know, compadres. Our kids are the same ages and we both like to snicker at the Mothers of the Year whose children have never tasted Cheez-Its. Which, Read More
On December 12, 2001, I received notice that my life had changed forever. I had a daughter. She was 9,000 miles away in Bac Giang, Vietnam. The Diva had been born on this day, October 21, and was not quite two months old. Her birth name was Minh Phuong, and she was waiting for me. Read More
Happy Labor Day! I couldn’t write that yesterday because, duh, that would be laboring, the total antithesis of how the holiday is meant to be celebrated. I went to the beach and drank beer instead, and now I’m all bloated and feeling like I want to eat nothing but grapefruit and prunes for three days. Read More
Suddenly our computer takes its sweet brainiac time to do anything more complicated than flicker to life, and I think it’s the children’s fault. The Pterodactyl dominates the computer when he’s home to print out pictures of Pokemon, the Tyrant watches inappropriate videos on YouTube, and the Diva organizes video production parties featuring herself as, Read More
The other day I stepped outside to check on the Tyrant, who was playing in the yard unsupervised, and I came upon this scene: And I was all, “OH, TEDDY, I KNOW IT! I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL! Because this has been a bear of a week. My dog has been eating leftover beans Read More
In an ongoing effort to make my blog more friendly and appealing to you, generous readers, I’ve embarked on a journey to improve and expand site features. Soon you’ll be able to purchase pornographic videos directly from this spot! Okay, no, that program hasn’t been finalized yet. Seriously, though, I’m adding some Visual Enhancements. Soon Read More
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