Last week we had our first follow-up appointment with the doctor who’s Changed Everything. To recap, we went to see her in lieu of setting up a juvenile defense fund for our 8-year-old son, or perhaps building him an in-law apartment. This doctor thinks the Pterodactyl has an intolerance to gluten, a protein found in Read More
Buddy the Plunder Wonder Dog is so smart he knows how to open toy chests. That’s not bragging – it’s just an annoying fact. Bright side: our stuffed animal population is finally dwindling, and all of our throw blankets have fringe. WINNING! But not really. Buddy is not working out the way I planned. #fuckyouifyousayitoldyouso Read More
Yesterday morning as I packed lunches, I heard a giant KERFLOFF sound. I investigated. Buddy the Wonder Dog had thrown up three entire socks, each twisted up neatly in heavy braids of bile and slobber. None of the socks matched, so now I’m three pairs down. #fuckingdogsarecolorblind Afterwards, he looked at me with his ears Read More
We are now a gluten-free, dairy-free household. I’m going to the dark side. I already like Birkenstocks. Honest to Jesus, yesterday I was perusing real estate thinking we should buy a lot and build a tiny eco-house so we can raise our own chickens. I only mention Jesus because today is the first day of Read More
On the way home from Cape Cod, we stopped to visit friends in the Garden State, so I pushed my boobs, like, way up high and we went to the Jersey Shore. AND I SAW SNOOKI! Not really. But all those people look alike, you know? After two days in Joisey, we embarked on the Read More
Royal Caribbean’s Allure of the Seas is the largest cruise ship in the world. It uses a gallon of fuel to travel 44 feet, which is appalling, but oddly familiar, since while on board I needed a good swig of mojito to walk up a single flight of stairs. Fortunately, acquiring rum wasn’t a problem, Read More
My trainer Son of Sam is out of town on a much-needed vacation. I knew it was much-needed because last week he made me do 1-minute sets of 180-degree squat jumps followed by double suicide sprints across the gym. I only threw up a little bit. “Take your time,” he said. But not on the Read More
My children love to go to the gas station, and it’s my parental ace-in-the-hole. “Guys, if you let Mom take a nap, I’ll take you to the gas station.” “YEAH!! OF COURSE, MOM, WE’LL BE SO, SO QUIET.” “Okay, we need to run some errands – I’ll take you to the gas station first.” “WHERE Read More
Children are like martinis – one is too many, two is not enough, three is too many. Still, they’ve taught me some valuable lessons. Here’s the first installment of Things I’ve Learned, a new occasional feature in which I chronicle my parental learning curve. Things I’ve learned by being a mother: 1. A large spoonful Read More
NOTE: Please check with your doctor, therapist, life coach, Wiccan priestess or congressional representative before listening to anything I say. Did you miss Part I? Click on this BUTTON. How about Part II? Click on this BUTTON. In the short few days since my last installment, two unfortunate happenings occurred. First: an Alert Peep informed Read More
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