The kids had so much fun throwing the bright blue bags of dog poop up on the roof that I didn’t even get angry. Then Hot Firefighter Husband had a long work stretch and the bags sat there for three days. Six of them. Full. Of. Poop. But as a special Mother’s Day present, Husband Read More
St. Valentine’s Day originated as a pagan celebration of the Roman god Lupercus. At the annual Lupercalia festival, a young man drew the name of a young woman who then became his sexual companion for the year. How cool would it be if it was a voluntary lottery! Like, if the young man was all Read More
In New Orleans, my parents live right behind a levee tasked with the dubious job of holding in Lake Pontchartrain. Each morning, they drink coffee while gazing at the large green hill and watching the seagulls drift in the wind. You can’t see the lake – the levee blocks it from view – but you Read More
It came to this: a Dec. 6 letter from the Homeowners Association informing us that we were in violation of HOA regulations because our Halloween decorations were still up. HO, HO, HO! So I replaced the scarecrow’s pumpkin head with a Santa hat. SUCKERS. But it did start me on a guilt trip regarding holiday Read More
Day Four without a shower. I almost took one last night but I couldn’t find a clean towel. And I’m not picky, people – I mean I couldn’t find a towel that didn’t smell like mildew, pee, or peanut butter. I like peanut butter, but I’m not one to spread it all over my body. Read More
The day after Easter, the Diva asked, “Mom, if I gave up something for Lent, what do you think it should be?“ I explained that she would have to think of something she would miss, something that means a lot to her, like candy or YouTube. “I think I would give up noodles,” she mused. Read More
Damn Gem the Easter Dog ate four hard-boiled eggs in their shells, eight gazillion jelly beans, three wrapped Starburst, and a chocolate bunny. And she only threw up once! That’s my girl. I’m currently having a standoff with Hot Firefighter Husband to see who will clean it up. Right this very minute he is reading Read More
The history of Valentine’s Day is very murky, but naturally, the Catholics think they’ve got it right. This much is true: There was once a Roman emperor named Claudius II who thought unmarried men made better soldiers, so he banned marriage. (See? This is why dictatorship is a bad idea. Idiot.) A Catholic bishop named Read More
Any exercise that has the word “Russian” in its name can’t be good. Let’s just agree on that, with insincere apologies to Vladimir Putin, who totally knows what I mean. My trainer Son of Sam and I took a two-week break from each other, and our reunion was bittersweet. Weighted squats? SURE! Bentover rows? OH-KAY! Read More
People, I’m joining the video age. I’m going to start VLOGGING. That means Video Blogging. I mean, technically, it’s video logging, but nobody would understand that. Anyway, a couple of times a week, I’m going to show you video of me saying actual words and moving. I’m usually going to look like I do in Read More
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