Many years from now, if the stars align and the diamond is large enough, the Pterodactyl will convince some poor girl to marry him. Maybe it will be some poor guy, but that’s unlikely given my boy’s fascination with boobs. Anyway, one day the betrothed will come to me and ask, “How do I get Read More
I took the iPad away from the Tyrant because she had Googled “kissing.” Note: she has now seen lots of tongues up close. Yesterday, she asked to have it back, but I was still traumatized and declined her request. She used her sternest voice ever and said, “Make the right choice, Mom, so I don’t Read More
Last week we had our first follow-up appointment with the doctor who’s Changed Everything. To recap, we went to see her in lieu of setting up a juvenile defense fund for our 8-year-old son, or perhaps building him an in-law apartment. This doctor thinks the Pterodactyl has an intolerance to gluten, a protein found in Read More
Yesterday morning as I packed lunches, I heard a giant KERFLOFF sound. I investigated. Buddy the Wonder Dog had thrown up three entire socks, each twisted up neatly in heavy braids of bile and slobber. None of the socks matched, so now I’m three pairs down. #fuckingdogsarecolorblind Afterwards, he looked at me with his ears Read More
We are now a gluten-free, dairy-free household. I’m going to the dark side. I already like Birkenstocks. Honest to Jesus, yesterday I was perusing real estate thinking we should buy a lot and build a tiny eco-house so we can raise our own chickens. I only mention Jesus because today is the first day of Read More
Here’s the key to the puzzle that is my son. LEGOS. Do you know about Legos? I did not. I thought Legos were a bunch of colored blocks you connected into abstract towers, then took apart, and perhaps spread next to your parents’ bed in vain attempts to kill them. These Legos, the ones my Read More
Buddy the Wonder Dog is so smart that we taught him to ring a bell near the door when he wants to go out. GENIUS! But now it’s the holiday season, and every time Buddy hears a Christmas bell, he pees. For real. You can stop laughing now. Seriously. Stop laughing. So the housetraining has Read More
Buddy the Wonder Dog poops out half his body weight every day. He does this weird raccoon walk when he’s pooping, so it comes out in stages and forms a three-dimensional S pattern in the grass. “Does he at least poop in your yard?” asked a friend. “So you don’t have to pick it up?” Read More
I’m not sure why all sitcoms aren’t set in Wisconsin. Its level of exotic hilarity must rival that of Alabama, except that it’s inhabited by a species that is generally quite pale and very, very nice in a robotic, creepy way. At the Bates Motel** in Wautoma, Wisconsin, population 2,200, I seemed to be the Read More
The Attachment Chronicles Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part VIII You are going to read this and think I am a Glutton for Punishment, but that is not the case. Well, maybe it is. You decide. Several months ago, I read an article called Wonder Dog about Chancer, a Read More
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