I am 49 years old today, and ready to retire, except that I don’t have a real job. Insert annoying LOL thing here. Of course I have an occupation – ushering my little bugs through a forest fraught with predators, poison ivy and Nikki Minaj – but it’s not like I can quit doing it. Read More
The kids went back to school yesterday. Forgive me for saying YEAH, YOU RIGHT! TAKE ‘EM, BITCHES! MY TAX DOLLARS AT WORK! that I’m not sure I’ll miss them for the seven hours and 42 minutes they’re gone each weekday. Their reentry into the education system was preceded by a trying day. Only the stomach Read More
Whew, boy, what a Friday afternoon we had. The Diva went for a playdate at a waterfront mansion and was all, Why can’t we live here? They are so lucky! I love mansions. Is this a mansion? and I was all, They have a septic tank, honey, so they have to drive past a mound Read More
What? Oh, hi! I didn’t see you there waiting. I’ve been busy looking for ways to upend my life. Because that’s what I do when I’m nervous. I’ve got some Guillot in me – Guillot was my grandmother’s name – and thus am a direct descendent of the Nerveenas, a group of women like my Read More
When I was a child, I thought grown-ups didn’t really sleep – that they just rested in bed with their eyes closed. My evidence was the fact that when I approached my mom in the middle of the night, all I had to do was whisper her name and she’d be instantly, groggily awake. I Read More
Dr. Dee has suggested we have a home visit from a therapist to determine how we’re ruining possibly improperly handling the Pterodactyl’s tantrums. Okay, that’s fine. We have nothing to hide. Except, you know, the abundance of scissors, glue sticks, and gummi worms. Also, dog hair. But come at your own risk, Supernanny. This here’s Read More
We came home from The Cruise to an immaculate house. But my children descend on a space like a tropical storm. So by yesterday I was picking up branches and mopping up water. Seriously, they do the same kind of damage. As I straightened the kitchen, I started washing a measuring cup that was full Read More
My trainer Son of Sam is out of town on a much-needed vacation. I knew it was much-needed because last week he made me do 1-minute sets of 180-degree squat jumps followed by double suicide sprints across the gym. I only threw up a little bit. “Take your time,” he said. But not on the Read More
I left this nest for barely 48 hours. When I returned, one remote control was broken, one was missing, the Pterodactyl was finishing off a 600-calorie bag of sour gummy worms, the Diva was sitting on the couch with a 1-lb bag of M&Ms, the children’s bathrooms had no toilet paper, the dog’s water dish Read More
Oh, poor underdeveloped, overrated Tropical Storm Beryl. Worry not, for judging by the amount of damage inflicted in my home, you had the strength of a hurricane. Furniture upended, strips of paper strewn about, Sharpie streaks on the counter, every clean sheet unfolded, Dorito chips in the bathroom. Who eats Doritos in the bathroom? My Read More
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