For the past year or so, we’ve limited Teddy’s access to the outside world. Frankly, we’d become weary of his/her constant wandering, and the exhausting ritual of finding him/her before bedtime. The Tyrant has no ability to keep track of her dearest belonging. Us: Did you bring Teddy to the gym? Did Teddy go outside Read More
On the way home from Cape Cod, we stopped to visit friends in the Garden State, so I pushed my boobs, like, way up high and we went to the Jersey Shore. AND I SAW SNOOKI! Not really. But all those people look alike, you know? After two days in Joisey, we embarked on the Read More
You can take the boy on vacation, but the Attachment Disorder comes along for the ride. He has generally been in great spirits – happy and loving and compliant. Still, every couple of days, the enormity of his circumstances bubbles up and overflows – the lack of routine, the new people, the absence of television Read More
For your information: young children dosed with melatonin will sleep uncomfortably in a traveling van for right at about 5.5 hours. Cool, yeah? Yes, indeedy. Until that sixth hour, at which point it may or may not be 3 am, and may or may not be time to fuel up the car. If the stars Read More
“This is the most ill-conceived vacation plan you’ve ever had,” said BFF. “What?” I said. “Shut up.” Because when you’ve been friends with a girl for 17 years, you can talk to her like that. “Seriously. You cannot do this,” she said. “Seriously. Just shut up.” “You’re going to get up there and sell the Read More
We came home from The Cruise to an immaculate house. But my children descend on a space like a tropical storm. So by yesterday I was picking up branches and mopping up water. Seriously, they do the same kind of damage. As I straightened the kitchen, I started washing a measuring cup that was full Read More
Royal Caribbean’s Allure of the Seas is the largest cruise ship in the world. It uses a gallon of fuel to travel 44 feet, which is appalling, but oddly familiar, since while on board I needed a good swig of mojito to walk up a single flight of stairs. Fortunately, acquiring rum wasn’t a problem, Read More
My trainer Son of Sam is out of town on a much-needed vacation. I knew it was much-needed because last week he made me do 1-minute sets of 180-degree squat jumps followed by double suicide sprints across the gym. I only threw up a little bit. “Take your time,” he said. But not on the Read More
I left this nest for barely 48 hours. When I returned, one remote control was broken, one was missing, the Pterodactyl was finishing off a 600-calorie bag of sour gummy worms, the Diva was sitting on the couch with a 1-lb bag of M&Ms, the children’s bathrooms had no toilet paper, the dog’s water dish Read More
Oh, Christmas, so resplendent with presents, egg nog, ill-fitting sweaters, good scotch and red and green ribbons. As you may know, there are two arguments about why red and green are Christmas colors. Historians say the red/green association stems from a pre-Christian pagan tradition in which people hung winter wreaths of evergreen branches in their Read More
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