I worry too much about being fat, which is a colossal waste of time because, you know, I’m not fat. This is an important lesson for people like me who believe that life will be SOOO much better on the other side of 10 pounds. Listen, chicka. It won’t. The dog will still poop on Read More
My trainer Son of Sam is out of town on a much-needed vacation. I knew it was much-needed because last week he made me do 1-minute sets of 180-degree squat jumps followed by double suicide sprints across the gym. I only threw up a little bit. “Take your time,” he said. But not on the Read More
My trainer Son of Sam has begun teaching me fancy boxing footwork. He may have secretly entered me into some sort of fighting tournament for aging suburban moms. I’ll do it, but I am NOT going to do that whole drop-weight thing involving laxatives and sweating. Ew. Also, I’ll be so bummed if my nose Read More
As a young woman, I always had the notion that if all else failed, I could become a stripper to make ends meet. And people were very encouraging during that one episode on a pool table in Greenville, Mississippi, which did not involve full disclosure, if you know what I mean. But Friday night I Read More
When I was a child, I wanted to be a cowgirl. I really wanted to be like Roy Rogers, and I watched his show every day. I DID NOT want to be like Dale Evans. I dreamed of having a horse like Trigger and a dog like Bullet. Dale Evans’ horse’s name was Buttermilk. Blah. Read More
My sister likes to say she’s always one good stomach bug away from her perfect weight. Guess what! So was I! I am at my ideal weight right now, and I will remain here until the dictates of survival mandate that I rehydrate. But for now, woo-hoo! and oh, boy!, aside from the pallid tone Read More
Day 1: Our ship, Royal Caribbean’s Navigator of the Seas, sets sail. We are drinking champagne. Hot Firefighter Husband says, “I actually think I’ll be able to eat healthy. I mean, there really are a lot of healthy options at the buffet.” We keep a close eye on the children so they are not accidentally Read More
It was difficult for me to move to Ponte Vedra, a beachside suburb of Jacksonville, Florida with an average household income of $100,000. It’s very Southern. I’m not skinny or blond or rich or Republican. I worried I would find myself sliding into a mold, stretching and morphing to fill it out until I began Read More
If Hot Firefighter Husband had called from work the other day and asked, “What’re you up to?” I would have said, “Well, I’m rewashing the dishes you stacked in the dishwasher without rinsing last night and which are subsequently caked with very clean rock-hard particles of food.” But he didn’t call, probably because he was Read More
Hot Firefighter Husband sent me off to boxing class today with this instruction: Don’t come back until you’re in a better frame of mind. So I packed a bag. I called him after class to make sure he had not sold the children, and he told me again to take as long as I needed, Read More
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