We came home from The Cruise to an immaculate house. But my children descend on a space like a tropical storm. So by yesterday I was picking up branches and mopping up water. Seriously, they do the same kind of damage. As I straightened the kitchen, I started washing a measuring cup that was full Read More
Damn Gem the Easter Dog ate four hard-boiled eggs in their shells, eight gazillion jelly beans, three wrapped Starburst, and a chocolate bunny. And she only threw up once! That’s my girl. I’m currently having a standoff with Hot Firefighter Husband to see who will clean it up. Right this very minute he is reading Read More
Yes, yes, today is Friday, and you should be reading Chapter 10 of Firebush. But peeps, I’m just not feeling it. I’ll tell you this: the letters are from Sterling’s mother. That should hold you until tomorrow. But for today, I want to talk about how a woman’s work (WARNING: WILDLY HYPERBOLIC STEREOTYPE AHEAD) is Read More
Happy Labor Day! I couldn’t write that yesterday because, duh, that would be laboring, the total antithesis of how the holiday is meant to be celebrated. I went to the beach and drank beer instead, and now I’m all bloated and feeling like I want to eat nothing but grapefruit and prunes for three days. Read More
“Well,” announced the Diva this morning, “at least I didn’t throw up in the classroom this year!” And that’s great! She has, in fact, never thrown up in the classroom, so I’m not sure why she was worried about it. But two years ago, in first grade, she did come home one day excited to Read More
It was bath time, and I approached the tub with spine atingle, unsure of what I might find. Would last night’s soapy water still be there? Would every towel in the house be on the floor, soaked? Did the dog eat another roll of toilet paper. It was worse. So much worse. Barbie was sprawled Read More
The other day I was driving along in the Motorized Landfill when I heard the Tyrant and the Pterodactyl begin to giggle. It progressed into squeals of laughter – the kind of gut-busting laughter that makes people snort and choke. It was so flipping adorable, and pretty soon I was laughing, too. Man, I love Read More
This is part of an occasional series featuring a photo or scenario that I’d like you to analyze. WTF is short for: What The Fuck Makes You Think This Is Okay? While I was making dinner this evening, the kids were watching a Cartoon Network show called The Regular that features a blue jay, a Read More
There has been a preponderance of WTF! photo opportunities lately, but I’ve politely declined to show you images of the hair clips in the (uncleaned) toilet or the congealing glasses of milk that sat on the Diva’s desk for a week before being sniffed out. And whew, boy, do I ever mean sniffed out. Like, Read More
WTF! is a new feature in which I introduce a photo that I’d like you to analyze. WTF! stands for “What the fuck makes you think this okay?” The picture below shows the inside of my freezer at this very moment. Earlier this week, on a hot afternoon, I found myself in need of an Read More
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