It’s Day 4 of my Partial Cleansing Diet, and I just broke down and ate a piece of toast because I woke up feeling shaky and woozy. Also, I dreamed that all of the neighborhood women I know have been attending Secret Social Engagements without me at a place called the Paregoric Cafe. Interesting, n’est-ce pas?
Hot Firefighter Husband has joined me in the Partial Cleansing Diet. He apparently thinks it’s a contest because every time I turn around he’s stirring Metamucil into something. And yesterday when we both made spinach salads, I threw a couple of dried cranberries on top and he looked at me all smug-like. But I started a day earlier, so really I’m winning.
Being on the Partial Cleansing Diet has made me revisit this family’s appalling eating habits, which are nonetheless better than 90 percent of the population. My kids love grilled chicken, broccoli, salmon, brown rice and yogurt. When I cook, I make dishes like chicken noodle soup, red beans and rice and white bean chili. Last week I made an awesome shrimp and corn chowder using fat-free milk. But the Pterodactyl will actually bathe willingly for a bag of Entenmann’s chocolate chip muffins. The Diva’s intake consists of noodles, peanut butter, noodles, popcorn, noodles, and marshmallow-pretzel sandwiches. And the other day, the Tyrant threw a tantrum because she wanted an ice cream sandwich for breakfast and I said no. SHOCKING! I did say she could have one if she ate breakfast, which is probably No Good, but still! I said no. When she was done with her yelling, she came up behind me, kicked me in the leg and said, “THAT’S WHAT YOU GET!” and stomped off to her room. If she wasn’t just five years old, I’d call her a bitch.
And now, the Pterodactyl has gained weight due to his Attachment Disorder medicine. Can he possibly live without Cheez-Its and hot dogs? “He can’t eat it if it’s not in the house,” says Dr. Dee. Okay, so honestly? I had not thought of that.
So now that my colon is Partially Cleansed, I think I’m going to start cleansing my pantry of the majority of processed foods. We’ll still have pretzels and crackers – I’m not crazy – but we’ll have to live without Oreos and the like.
It will be tricky, particularly since just yesterday we instituted a new Computer-goes-off-at-6pm rule. This restriction prompted the Pterodactyl to pump moisturizing lotion all over the kitchen floor, refuse to do his Snow Person homework project, and taunt his little sister until she whacked him with Clawdeen Wolf, her Monster High doll with ears on the top of her head and removable hands. Clawdeen left a big welt on the boy’s back.
I also really want to limit fast food, though it’s so damn easy sometimes. But I strongly suspect McNuggets are made of silicon and chicken skin. I would never ever eat one. But they’re okay for my kids? I suck. Chick-fil-A food is a little better quality – but Chick-fil-A hates gay people! Why am I supporting that? Also, that giant cow creeps me out.
We’ll see if I can turn into an organic hippie mom right here in the middle of suburbia. Husband’s working tonight, but no fast food for us! Because it’s dollar pizza night at our local pizza joint, which also serves spinach salad. Me and spinach are like the Kardashian sisters right now. You know, still together, though we don’t always get along.
Baby steps, baby steps.